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I Wish Love Wasn't Killing My Insides


i wish you were here,
i wish you were here,
i wish you were here,
or that i wasn't.

and i wish i knew who
i was talking about but
all of my sorrows
are merging to become my downfall.
and loving you is killing me
but i'd die if i stopped loving you.
i'd die before i stopped loving you.
and i wish that you saw it,
i wish you could feel it.

and i wish you knew that my tears
were burning the back of my eyes
like rubbing alcohol over an open wound,
and i wish you knew there are butterflies
in my stomach, terrified of the fact
you can't write love
on my hummingbird abdomen.
my pigeon ribcage,
much too narrow to protect
me from the arrow that splinters my heart
every time i don't hear a sound.
and nowadays i never hear anything anymore.
and i don't know if i'm going deaf,
have the speakers turned down,
or if you've just stopped altogether.

i just wish you understood
that you not being here
leaves a crater in my chest
where you once stood.
and i wish you could see that,
realize that i'm hurting too.
and that no matter what 
i still want you here with me,
no matter what we're going through.
i wish i wasn't so invisible to you.

and i just wish for three more wishes,
because with so many wishes
made already,
i'm losing touch.
my nightmares becoming reality.

i wish loving you wasn't killing me,
and a really fucked up part of me....
just wishes for one of us to be dead already.
Because while you may be willing to kill for love, love doesn't mind killing you, if you love too much.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconizzy3301:
izzy3301 Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2014
wow! this is amazing writing!
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :love:
Reply
:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
this. all of this. <3 

i love you so goddamn much
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I love you so much too, Catherine. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconsaltwaterlungs:
saltwaterlungs Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
(whispers) I can't live without or without yoouuuuuu
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Pretty muuuuuuuuuuuuuch. :P But we all learn to live without because with is just too much to deal with.
Reply
:iconimariposa:
iMariposa Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful!
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :heart:
Reply
:icona-shadow-rose:
A-Shadow-Rose Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:cries: I feel like I just got punched in the throat after reading this... 
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:iconsadhugplz:
Reply
:icona-shadow-rose:
A-Shadow-Rose Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug:
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:glomp:
Reply
:icona-shadow-rose:
A-Shadow-Rose Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I would do Beth's ninja glomp but I don't wanna die. :lmao:
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:XD:
Reply
:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart:
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconwaffles-of-gondolyn:
Waffles-Of-Gondolyn Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
this is so absolutely how I feel right now. and it sucks, but we tighten our jaw, we clench our fists, and we keep going. we keep moving because the memories follow us, like wild animals they cannot be silenced. I really love this poem. the repetition works brilliantly. you will be okay someday, I promise. 

as this wise person once said, "everything will be okay in the end. if it's not okay, it's not the end." 
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:iconsadhugplz:
Reply
:iconwaffles-of-gondolyn:
Waffles-Of-Gondolyn Featured By Owner Jun 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:glomp: 
Reply
:iconmrdest:
MrDest Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Utterly painful, and utterly relatable, personally. 
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry it was relatable to you. It's tough. :huggle:
Reply
:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'm not sure what to say. This is painful, and beautiful. :heart:

:huggle:
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: :tighthug:
Reply
:iconintroverted-ghost:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014   Writer
This is beautiful but there a few places that trip me and I'm not sure that I have the stomach to tell you how to edit this.
(Also: this is the best piece I've read from you. I wish you'd write like this more often.)
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This was just emotional vomit, y'know?
(Thank you so much.)
Reply
:iconintroverted-ghost:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014   Writer
I know. Emotional vomit is an old friend. :heart:
(You're welcome.)
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
It's been awhile since I've had to call him. :heart:
Reply
:iconintroverted-ghost:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014   Writer
He's always so understanding, regardless of time passed.
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
He is...
Reply
:iconintroverted-ghost:
introverted-ghost Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014   Writer
Doesn't get much recognition though, poor bastard.
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
A lot of people don't like 'im, yet secretly know they need 'im.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconlike1guy:
Like1guy Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is a shitty feeling.  It feels like you're in a deep dark hole with no escape and you can see everybody above you talking and not seeing that you're in the hole.  And if you're anything like me, you feel like there is water in the hole and it is slowly rising and soon it will get into your mouth and you won't be able to shout for help, but you're too anxious to shout for help anyway because you don't want to ruin anybody else's day or something like that.  It's probably no consolation, but I've learned to temper my emotions.  Our sentimental side can, along with our sensual side, be a source of chastity.  When we dream about someone and go through the emotional highs in our heads we begin to use them for the good feelings they give us, which can be just as dangerous as using someone for their looks or simply a means to sexual pleasure.

The axiom: We should not want a person because we need them.  We should need them because we want them," helps keep my emotions tempered.

Sorry if this is no help.  Good luck on your (plural) journey.

Your inconsistent attendee and silent friend,
Like1guy
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You said that perfectly. you're brilliant. 
Reply
:iconlike1guy:
Like1guy Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
No, it's not me.  It's John Paul II.  He wrote a lot about sexuality and love.
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:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:nod:
Reply
:iconlike1guy:
Like1guy Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
If you're refferring to the latter, that is.  And thanks by the way.
Reply
:iconspriteblayde:
SpriteBlayde Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Waaaah! Unfortunately, I know the feeling.... this was a strangely beautiful piece though. Well written and it really sucker punches the reader in the gut with the raw emotion. :heart:
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:huggle: We'll always have each other's backs though. :heart: Thank you, Sensei.
Reply
:iconspriteblayde:
SpriteBlayde Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:glomp: Of course. :D
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:iconultraglompplz:
Reply
:iconmalco735:
Malco735 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I know exactly how you feel, dude...sadly :/
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:manhug:
Reply
:iconmalco735:
Malco735 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:manhug: Stay strong, man. 
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I will. :manhug:
Reply
:iconmalco735:
Malco735 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I know you will :manhug:
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:aww:
Reply
:iconmalco735:
Malco735 Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:D
Reply
:iconsozonoteki-n:
SozoNoTeki-N Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014
I know that whatever I say will be no consolation compared to the pain you must be feeling. Love is beautiful and terrible; it can take us to the greatest highs and then force us into awful lows, and while I've never known love myself, I can only imagine what you must be enduring. But just know that we are all here to support you, and that what goes down must come up - losing hope isn't quite an option just yet. Stay strong, and continue writing no matter what, for the display of raw emotion in this piece has created something unfathomably deep. Huggle! 
Reply
:iconchromeantennae:
chromeantennae Featured By Owner Jun 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Wow, gah, you've warmed my heart. Thank you so much, Mio. :tighthug:
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June 11, 2014
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