Mania

Mania

 
I have a lot of fears.
You know the cliché,
Afraid of being alone,
Afraid of being forgotten,
But I’m already alone
And they can’t help but not forget you-
But this,
And that,
And everything in-between.
I feel like this doesn’t make sense.
 
But I’m afraid my paranoia,
Will seep through my eyelids,
As bands of streaking colors—
Every color that refuses to mix well.
Turquoise, brown green,
Burnt orange and lilac pink.
I’m afraid I’m in too deep
Of the waters of another human—
Not afraid of intimacy,
But the thought of being so open,
That honestly worries me.
And I’m afraid I’ll spiral out of control
And way too into love.
Just to be pushed out.
And I’m afraid I’m too paranoid
About being too paranoid.
So caught up with not being so,
I am too much.
 
I’m so afraid of a back stabbing,
That I’m worried about being shot
From the front. I’m afraid of being afraid,
And I’m afraid of everything I do know
Because if I know what happens if I forget it?
And I’m afraid of what I don’t know
Because if I don’t know
And it does show,
What can I do stop it?!
I’m becoming too paranoid.
I just know I’m losing.
I just know I’m losing.
I can’t win for losing.