The First Time I Saw Her (Part 2)

Despite the fact that I still felt ridiculously embarrassed, his words proved to be very reassuring and made me feel a lot less self-conscious. I felt very thankful toward him for that. My cheeks began to soften in colour; not quite the violent scarlet they had initially turned. I still felt slightly flushed, though I couldn’t quite explain why. When he attempted to keep the conversation going by asking my name, I couldn’t help but feel suddenly shy. I wasn’t sure whether he was just being polite or if he was genuinely interested in me. The thought that he might be interested caused my stomach to flutter ever so subtly. His mannerisms were all very laid back and casual – nonchalantly slipping his hand into his pocket for instance – but I couldn’t shrug off the feeling that perhaps he was trying to play it cool.

I cleared my throat before saying in the most collected voice I could muster, “My name is Sarah”. Immediately I felt really paranoid that I sounded ridiculous, and that made me feel awkward, so I broke eye-contact with him and looked sheepishly at the ground. I wanted to say something else to try and recover from my ridiculous excuse of a reply but I couldn’t think of anything else to say. My mind had gone blank. I stared at the ground searchingly, almost as if I expected it to present me with a solution, an answer even, but all that stared back at me was the cold, hard concrete.

“Sarah…” I nodded and made a mental note to remember the name. “That’s a really nice name. I actually used to know a girl in school named Sarah. Wasn’t as pretty as you though.” I smiled lamely at the line and mentally scolded myself. That was the coolest line of all time, Henry…Dork. Quickly, I ran my eyes over the train station and the sky above, the atmosphere cool and somewhat relaxed, the skies overcast. All in all, it was a pretty comfortable day there as I stood with this beautiful woman here right in front of me, who looked like she’d rather be somewhere else. She’s just late and probably embarrassed. Don’t overthink, man…

When I noticed this, and saw that she was looking down at the floor, I tried to think of something else to ask her. Thirty seconds or so went by as she shifted uncomfortably in her spot before her eyes landed back on me and I quickly asked, “Hey, so, since you were rushing to work and such, may I ask what you do? If that isn’t too forward of course.” I gave her a slight smile, tried to calm the nerves that had reappeared in my stomach, and habitually ran my fingers through my hair. It seemed like an eternity as I waited for her reply.

He must be at least slightly intrigued about me…he is making such an effort to maintain a conversation. What if he asks for my number?!As much as I tried, I couldn’t stop thoughts such as these circling around my head, demanding to be heard like a petulant self-centred child. My stomach gave another unmistakable flutter. And then a pang of guilt struck me like a slap in the face, followed by a wave of fear. I can’t feel like this. It is wrong for me to feel like this. What would Robert say if he knew? What if he…? I forced my head to lift itself and make eye-contact with Henry despite my overwhelming sense of awkwardness and guilt enticing me to continue staring at the floor. I attempted to compose myself as best I could, and come across as polite and formal, verging on impassive.

“I just work in an office. Admin stuff really. It’s not what I want to do but it pays the bills.” I scratched at my left forearm with my right hand; a subconscious mannerism of discomfort. I felt bad about suddenly being almost cold towards Henry. He did seem really nice. But I had Robert to think about. Robert would spit fire if he knew I was even talking to another guy. I was scared about what he would do if he found out. My work blouse only just about covered up the bruises from the last time he got mad…

“My real passion is music. I would love to make a living out of my songwriting and singing. But as my boyfriend says, my music won’t pay the bills.” Henry’s face showed an almost unnoticeable flicker of disappointment at the word ‘boyfriend’. But I saw it. All of a sudden I felt overwhelmingly embarrassed, and so rushed to the end of the conversation. “He thinks it’s a waste of time. He’s probably right. It’s a silly dream. Look…I should go. I’m sorry. It was nice to meet you.” And without waiting for a response, I began walking quickly down the platform away from Henry, my heart aching with each step.

I didn’t know if my disappointment was really that obvious but when I saw her turn her back from me and walk away, this twinge of disappointment rested right in the middle of my stomach as she reached the bottom of the platform but before I knew it, my feet carried me right after her.

“Wait, Sarah, hold on for a minute.” I reached my hand out to graze her shoulder before she turned to face me, dissatisfaction as evident on her features as I was sure they were on mine, “I just wanted to say it was nice to meet you.” She smiled slightly and I continued, “And uh…” My eyes wandered down towards her right arm as I noticed a slight discoloration under her short blouse sleeve and I looked at it intensely before I moved my eyes back towards her. “G-good luck with your music, I hope you’re able to make it big.” I sputtered this next bit out as I battled the impulse to want to ask her what happened to her arm. I bit my tongue as she thanked me politely as I pushed my sleeve up to check my watch and it read “7:42.”

She looked on towards the empty space where our train was supposed to arrive and I inched away from her, trying to resist that curiosity that rose in my throat. This is not your business, this is not your business… I repeated the phrase under my breath about 10 times before I felt her eyes on my cheek, “What?” I looked at her again, the air was thick with discomfort. “I just-- it’s nothing.” She looked at me confusedly and I rambled out, “If you do sell your music, I’d totally buy the first copy!” I laughed nervously at my random statement as she laughed just as awkwardly as I did.

I laughed at his enthusiasm. “Aw thank you so much!” The awkwardness between us was painfully evident. I also felt a twinge of fear as I noticed him looking down at my arm where my bruises still lurked, and I couldn’t escape the feeling that he was considering asking me how I got them. If he did ask, I had no idea what my response would be. I fell over? I walked into a door? These just sounded like cliched excuses in my head. I shuffled around on my feet uncomfortably as my head ran riot trying to think of a feasible explanation just in case he asked.

Because Henry had gone to the effort of following me down the platform to maintain our conversation, I thought I should probably at least return the favour and try to ask him a bit about his career. “So was is it that you do then? Something very impressive if your suit is anything to go by.” I smiled warmly at him, finally beginning to ease into the conversation and letting my barriers down ever so slightly. As I waited for his reply, I placed a hand casually over my fading bruises on my right arm, in the hope that somehow he would forget about them if he couldn’t see them anymore.

My eyes still peered near the spot of her bruises that she covered with her hand, but I needed to stop lingering on it so I focused my gaze back on her eyes as I smiled at her suit comment slightly. “I work at a law firm in the city.” I looked towards the train tracks where our ride was supposed to arrive shortly, “I actually don’t take the train often. The only reason I’m taking it today is because my car broke down the other day and I didn’t have time this week to get it looked at.” I ran my fingers through my hair again as I looked at the train tracks and then my watch, ‘7:45.’ Before anymore silence could intrude on the already thick air of discomfort, I started talking again. “So what happened to your arm?” And just because I started speaking again, didn’t mean that I didn’t make the situation any worse. Before I knew what happened, the words just flew out of my mouth and her eyes darted up in what looked to be a mix of embarrassment and sadness.

Upon hearing his words, I froze. I couldn’t quite believe he had asked that question. I was completely lost for a response. I had no idea what to say. So, staring him dead in the face in a pathetic attempt to act casual, I replied with the stupidest thing possible. “W-what bruises?” As soon as I spoke those words I instantly regretted them. I couldn’t maintain the intense eye-contact that I myself had encouraged. I looked down at the ground whilst nervously pulling at the sleeves of my blouse, somehow hoping that the material would make the bruises disappear from my arm altogether. “Um...listen Henry. You don’t want to get involved in this, okay? It’s complicated. You seem really nice and I’m definitely not worth your time. I’m nothing special. I appreciate your kindness and your interest. Honestly I do. But really, it’s best you stay away and don’t ask questions that you don’t want to know the answers to. I’m going to walk away now and it’s for the benefit of both of us that you don’t follow me this time. But thank you Henry for today. You made me feel happy for the first time in a long while.” I offered a weak smile and with finality, headed back down towards the other end of the platform, leaving Henry behind me.