i gave into you (sensing us since)

the sublime is disappointingly elusive. i dreamt of you in broken fragments and fragile compartments because my eyes were not made to look directly at you. and no one told me that looking straight into the moon would glass my eyes over.

a gentle glaze like a morning snack caught laziness-- i was no longer conscious. no longer consciously imagining you but letting my visions unravel at the hands of your statue. and that was all you were at some points, a statu(t)e (of my limitations) that got more beautiful as time went on and more still. a polaroid, ice cold and frozen near the bones as they sleep underneath the skin of my forehead.

how you catch me at my most vulnerable.

tenses and tensity, uncork themselves as you are a thief in the night. my memories freeze as your draft sits for a moment, then sways. i panicked my night away as the crackling of my pulse pierced my ears and all i can see is you in my mirror and all i can hear is my distortion. you take one, two, three breaths and my chest takes an off step.

i fall. i fall into the hole i had plastered and taped down until the thought of you was tapered. a gradual disappearance; a feeble source of light.

as good excuse as any i stay wrapped in the bends of my arms and tucked into the kink of my knees, becoming stiff, stuck, sick in this position.

i never let you know how utterly in disarray i was whenever you came around. how wound up and in love and frustrated with every decision i had ever made to that point concerning you. there were moments when i felt so attached to you-- that some force had separated our energy at birth, somehow. and some moments, where i tried to disassociate from the thought of you as a defense mechanism.

march was your stomping ground that you were unaware of. scared and no longer sacred, i couldn’t look at you because there was no looking at something that could not be touched. i had my chances slip through my fingertips like stolen silk.

fetal and childlike, i found myself cur(d)ling into the arms of anyone and anything that would take me in. i was a scattered half-man with an affinity for pigeons and bird brains. the latter always seemed to fit me like a glove.

then the leather weakened, the disbanded limbs crawled back towards the middle and we try again. i am multiple and one, as i slipped away from her. a cracking egg that i cannot rebuild.

we were both scrambled and i had fallen out of confusion a long while ago. i was unable to put those pieces together as we were simply puzzles pieces from different games.

admitting that was the challenging task, however.

everything came undone on the becoming of sextilis.

ringers and ringlets, as we settled. sat, turn, wide eye(d/ing) from simplicity and ache. in the latter stages of our bloom, i imagined the coils of my hair and the rolling waves of yours combined. it was a beautiful thought that i led myself astray towards.

your guard fell right with mine.

and the ex marked the spot-- astray, ash trays, astral, and astro. losing myself in you. the comet landing on target. soles bouncing among trickling, confident lights; and then finally gazing directly at you.

any wall that followed was an invisible film that had enough holes one poke of a syllable would’ve sent in contorting in on itself.

“long-distance sucks.”

you laugh. it sounded like a lamenting chuckle. “it really does.”

“you know something else?”

“what?”

“...i don’t know if i should say it…-- nevermind-- eh. fuck it.”

“...?”

“i’m sorry. i’m just...you know, i don’t know where my heart, mind and soul are. well, at least my mind is right in between my ears.”

“how do you know your head and mind are in the same place? maybe they’re in different places…”

“...son of a bitch.”

“??”

“you always do this.” i laughed and i think you did too. it was a real, genuine laugh in this severe vulnerability. you catch me at my most delicate stages. “you always manage to say some shit like this to make me rethink everything.”

“oh, oh dear, i’m sorry?”

“no, no, please don’t be. it’s just, well, i know where my soul and mind are now. my heart and head are somewhere else entirely then.”

“i want to ask, but i’m afraid that’s dangerous.”

“it’s extremely dangerous.”

“hmm…”

implications and silences were not comfortable in this instance, but simultaneously so. utter comfort in the presence of a once personified fever dream, i find the syllables of your name harrowing, and warm on my breath.

that night ended with admissions and anxiety; repose and solace.

and the next night i gave into this. sensing us since evolutions. revolving around each other since we first collided.